The Watershed

Today Ashling Murphy's loved ones face their first weekend without her; one of the many unbearable firsts that they must endure after the senseless and brutal robbing of their darling girl's precious life. The pain that her family, boyfriend, friends, students, colleagues, teammates and community must be experiencing is unimaginable.

Like so many, I spent the days following the unfathomable news in a state of shock, disgust, mourning; feelings of helplessness and hopelessness engulfed.

Yesterday, together with my sister and friend, I found myself standing next to Ashling's musician friends at her Dublin vigil. As we witnessed them play their music - Ashling's beloved music - we were struck by the dignity and generosity of their expression: how together, through their instruments and gifts, they honoured, grieved and celebrated the life of their friend, comforting each other and those around them as they played.

I was struck by the many young men that surrounded me, flowers and candles in hand, heads heavy but arms open as they supported others.

I was struck by the solidarity of those gathered, the quiet but absolute knowing that the time for change is now; it must be now. Acknowledging that we cannot let Ashling's full life, one that touched so many, be forgotten or eclipsed by the deviant act of an evil man. That we all stand together in her memory with steely determination and absolute rejection of misogyny in all forms. And as I took in these surroundings my hopelessness eased a little. We will demand the change.

And then I thought of my little boys, the men of tomorrow; how I have the honour and responsibility of teaching them so that they may be that change. To impart on them women's realities so they might understand the lens of fear through which we operate daily. I will ask them to always be mindful of females in their proximity, to act consciously in an effort to allow them to feel safe. To cross roads so they don't have to; to call out unacceptable actions of other men no matter how innocuous they claim to be, nor how masterfully disguised as 'craic'...


They will be warned of the dangers of misplaced courtesy; how a fear of being impolite, small hesitancies or well-meaning blind eyes turned not only prevent the destruction of systematic misogyny but how it also makes them complicit in it. I will assure them that the risk of ridicule by peers is far outweighed by the essential act of allyship; to acknowledge that it won't always be easy, but it will ways be right. It will always be worth it. It will always be necessary.

I will educate them on their privilege and how it advantageously affects so many parts of their lives but for no other reason than an accident of birth. No where is this more evident than the freedom to zone out, to progress mindlessly through their day; to experience their world and their daily lives without overt caution. I will ask them to consider the other side of this; to be aware of the omnipresent state of high alert that informs their female friends’ every move.

I will ask them to protect their friends, cousins, family, teachers, team mates, love interests; to be mindful of strangers, to respect fellow members of society. To respect. To respect.

I will show them courtesy, consent and accountability so that they might emulate the environment in which they grow. So they might hold each other to account.

I will challenge any assumption of prerogative or superiority that arise. I will check my own role in this as an adoring, encouraging mother. I will strive every day to balance love and encouragement with awareness and education. I will show them their power: the power to be the change, to rewrite the narrative, to be allies. To protect, to defend, to demand more of their fellow males.

I will never stop striving to empower them to create and cultivate a society in which they are proud to live, in which the welfare of their fellow men and women is paramount; in which they shine light on darkness, ease the fear of others at every opportunity, to step up to keep the women in their worlds' safe. A world in which they acknowledge the vulnerability of women. To know that it is not all men - that’s a moot point - but it is always men. And so they must rise above the temptation of entitlement, the one that society has bestowed upon their gender for far too long. And I will do it now, today, in every way I can in which they will understand. And it will continue tomorrow, and every tomorrow after.

‘I’, ‘I’, ‘I’: I can do so much to shape the attitudes and actions of my boys… and the helplessness dissipated slightly.

And if that seems like a lot or responsibility on little shoulders, I’ll remind myself to go gently, gently; just as I wish they might grow and engage with life: gently, gently. And I will remind myself how at least once a week I am winded by the quick passing of time and the rate at which those shoulders grow. So in the blink of an eye those little shoulders will be big shoulders, those little boys the grown men of tomorrow.

And every one of those tomorrows that Ashling will never see, we are the change. As the thousands of people that gathered around the country in her name felt to their very core, this is the watershed.